Here we are again

So here we are again a year on. I have no idea why I came here. Maybe it is that old familiar feeling of being ugly and a freak. Most people I know have a loving family, a job and a purpose in life. I feel that I have nothing but hope of recovery to cling to. Recently I spent three weeks at the Lakes in Colchester which is a mental health hospital. I had so much support from friends and health care professionals which I am very grateful. My family seem to have given up on me and do not know what to say or do for the best. The church which took me in when I was very vulnerable has never given up on me and I received weekly visits for months. I have recently rejected them and pushed them away when I felt they knew too much about me. I always push people away when they get too close. Now I am in search of hope and inspiration from other sources. I am recently read a book by an acid attack victim Katie Piper called Beautiful. Her story has truly inspired me. She is such a beautiful brave woman and I have such admiration for her. Like Katie I want to be able to have the confidence to look in the mirror again. I want to look people in the eye and not feel like I am worthless. Yes I am feeling broken but I can be fixed. Katie Piper went through so much and took up all challenges put before her. Her face was rebuilt by Dr Jawad who seems a really lovely human being. He is my hero at the moment and all the beautiful women then he gives treatment to like those in his documentary Saving Face. I look forward to finding my way back to feeling human again. I just have to focus on all the good things that I have. I have had this eating disorder since I was 8 years old so it will be tough to beat. I just have to be positive and move forwards.

Sun Arise

Now this is probably the strangest blog I will ever publish. Why you might ask? I am strange it is as simple as that. I know my mother wanted a normal child but she gave birth to me. She was to be disappointed. This blog is not as the title suggests about disappointment but rather observations from the past present and future. I often look back at my childhood fondly and have always clung to my favourite memories. Now this will shock any of you that know me (or think you do) that although I love rock music one of my favourite artists is Rolf Harris.Yes you read that correctly I am indeed slightly obsessed with him. He is not the greatest looking and has not got a brilliant voice but he has a special magic about him.
I used to watch him on TV as a child and wish I had a wall I could slap some paint on and create a masterpiece. His song Jake the Peg had me in stitches Two Little Boys made me sad and Sun Arise made me feel strangely mystical and warm. Years later I have not grown out of my Rolfie love at all. I find the emotions more intense. I understand the adult side of the lyrics in Jake, Two Little Boys makes me weep and Sun Arise has complete new depths to it. When I hear Sun Arise I take in all the imagery, soak up all the positive energy and bask in it. It is easy to get lost in its hypnotic rhythm. Hell it must have been a cool song Alice Cooper covered it! He wasn't as good as Rolfie though.

 Some days it is a painful song for I sadly often wish the sun would never rise for me again. On these days I listen to this song trying to get some inspiration. I have seen some beautiful sun rises and I like to look at photographs I have taken.

Sunrise over the Nile

I live in hope of once more feeling a positive surge of energy when the darkness breaks and the sun comes up across the river bank in our village. I find myself thanking Rolf Harris for his song and having such wonderful childhood memories of music.
If you don't know the song then here it is



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwtnBm8glPE
Now I don't actually expect anyone to read this so my guilty pleasures may remain secret. One day I might share this with someone that I trust and tell them Lone Star is me.